I don't think I have swine flu, but I'm definitely sick. Safi was sick earlier this week, and as anyone who's ever been around a sick kid knows, little kids have no idea how contagious they are, and they also don't understand that trying to lick Daddy when snot is running down your nose and you just threw up half an hour ago is not a funny game. Daddy is not trying to make you laugh by jumping away and reacting like he's being held at knifepoint by a mugger. Daddy just doesn't want to get sic--Don't lick me! Seriously! That just made Safi laugh harder and more intent on licking me.

So now I'm sick.

And that totally sucks because I have had a lot of new readers recently, and every day they've been coming back and looking around a little more, reading some of my old stuff, thinking, "this guy is an idiot/insane/lame/awesome/whatever. I wonder what stupid/retarded/tactless/insensitvie/insightful/amazing thing he'll say next" and they keep coming back, hoping that more of my brain will have spilled out onto this blog for them to read. And I have let them down. Well, fear not, new readers. I love you. I want you to come back, read, lurk, sulk, think, laugh, cry, feel sorry for yourselves, gloat over yourselves and have a good time here. And I'm willing to lie here, with a fever and tell you that you're not alone.

You're not the only one who fights depression. You're not the only one who is fat, but you don't feel like doing anything about it. You're not the only one who wonders "What would my ten-year-old self think of me?" You're not the only one who feels like they're just faking their way through life and hoping that no one else catches on. You're not the only one who wonders if other people have to deal with this crap.

Until a couple of years ago, I prided myself on being "different". I grew up around honorable hard-working blue-collar people. So I wanted to be a stock investor. I bought a briefcase when I was eleven. I thought of myself as "smart", so I read and read and read all the time, hoping that the answer to my problems would be in the next book I read. I was convinced that if I just understood the world/psychology/science/whatever well enough, that I would be able to predict other people's actions, understand their behavior, and be able to hack the system into a world that would be kind and gentle and understanding and I would be rich because I was smart.

Recently I have faced the reality that I am not so different. I'm just like everyone else in 99% of everything. I have the same problems, aspirations, dreams, disappointments and frustrations that everyone else has. My particular strain of life is unique, yes, but I'm not some amazing special better-than-everyone-else guy. I spent a long time trying to separate myself from everyone and everything around me so that I wouldn't be hurt. So I could look at everyone and say "Yes, yes. I know you've got problems, but your problems are just petty little stupid things. But I'll listen to you so that you'll feel better."

I am like you. I'm not on some other plane of existence. I'm here with you. I get sick, I fuck up, I forget things, I mess stuff up, I interrupt, I break things, I overcompensate and I feel stupid most of the time. But I have also learned that just by talking about it, just by mentioning the problems I'm facing, and how hard it is to break old habits, just to think about it and have a place to write about it helps. It helps me. It gives me something to think about it. Having this space gives me something to focus on, it creates a little thorn in my brain, a little piece of sand that won't stop bothering me. That thorn says, "you can't just float around hoping your life will change, dude. You've been doing that for 33 years. And you're still thinking the same thoughts and doing the same things."

So it's time to think new thoughts. Write new dreams. To think, to listen, and to remember that you and I won't be here long. The light is already fading in the corners. We don't have much time. So let's rock the house while we've got the mic. Lay down some serious tunes, drink some amazing drinks, make each other laugh, make each other cry and we'll smile, looking into each other's eyes, knowing that tomorrow, another band will be playing and we'll be asleep, never to wake up again.