Off to Borgata to video more segments for the upcoming Full Tilt Poker University. FTPU will be a great source of poker instruction from the stable of Full Tilt Poker pros. Videotaping, and later editing, the videos has already helped my poker game. I look forward to really gaining a grasp of poker by getting some hands-on instruction from pros.

I felt a little off-kilter at the beginning of this trip because my wife, Banu, is out of town, so she couldn't see me off at the airport. I like the comfort that comes from little rituals like that. She's visiting an old friend in Vegas and took Sapphira with her, so I've been alone for the last couple of days. When I'm alone, my anxieties and insecurities really assault me and work their way to the surface. I hyper-overstimulate my senses by playing poker, reading articles and listening to very loud music simultaneously, all in an effort to shut out this looming sense of things just not being quite right with me.

By even expressing these feelings I get nervous, thinking, "I don't want to worry anybody. It's not like I'm freaking out." I don't feel like my problems are worsening or that my grip on reality is slipping in any way. What really troubles me is just how long this kind of compulsion to always have some kind of flow of information into my brain has been going on. I can't even take a crap without reading a book while doing it. What is inside of me that I could be so afraid of hearing?

Old programs. Old mean things that were said to me. Old guilt. Old fear. It all comes rushing up to the top as soon as I take a moment to just rest. Or at least that's my fear. I've been exercising more recently, which has definitely helped me to relax more often, but this need to always be doing something or reading something or hearing something is getting really old. I can see more clearly now the huge benefits meditation would have for me. My basic makeup is one who avoids conflict, avoids things I don't want to do, avoid avoid avoid. Avoid and distract. Avoid things that may be troublesome (especially my feelings) by distracting myself with video games, poker, books, television, talk radio, whatever. Doesn't matter. Just anything to keep those little (sometimes very loud) voices in my head from coming out and saying, "Yeah, you really do suck. Look at yourself! You're nowhere close to what you thought you would be at the age of 31. How would your ten-year-old self feel about meeting you? What a disappointment! What a disgrace! What a letdown! You had so much potential. You were going to be rich. You were going to be a visionary. You were going to really make a difference in the world. Now your own cats barely notice you." It goes on like this indefinitely.

And why do I want to avoid these voices? Because I believe them. And I don't want to face it. I am afraid of changing my patterns because I don't know why. I just feel very nervous about actually trying. At anything. I am very talented and usually stand out when I apply myself to something, but the same voices that tell me I'm a loser also tell me I'll probably always be one because who am I to change the world? Or even change myself?

So the pressure grows. I get tense. I can't sleep. My problems lie before me and I never feel like any plan I come up with to deal with them will work and that I'm just fooling myself and I should probably just give it up and resign myself to being a quiet complacent average just-like-everybody-else nobody.

I have great stories to tell. Great things have happened to me. Terrible things have happened to me. I understand a lot. I see a lot in the world around me. I recognize things most people don't notice. I understand things most people don't even care about. But those stories may die with me. They'll just fade away because, really, who the hell do I think I am? I'm just a guy who wants to help other people, wants to do nice things for them, wants to create and give, but even deeper down, afraid that whatever I give, whatever I share, whatever I think, won't be good enough or won't matter. No one will notice. So I shut myself off, I drift off and play video games, read books, listen to music and walk around in the mountains.

This website is part of me cracking out of this bullshit idea that I have nothing worth saying. If you've read this far, maybe you can relate to me. Maybe you feel worthless and alone. Maybe you feel like you're intelligent, sensitive and caring, but no one really seems to give a shit. And you know what? They don't. Society feeds on value. It feeds on people who contribute value to society. And it pays you for what you contribute. So here's my contribution. This little website, with photos I've taken, thoughts I've written and resources I've found that can help. Along the way I may throw in some reviews of tools or software I use in my work, or some great music or book I read, because that's a part of who I am. I think about things. I notice things. And now, I'm going to write those things down and share them with you.

I can do this. I can break out of this empty shell of a life. And so can you.

Let's do it together. I'd love to hear about your growth, and I'll share my growth with you here.