Unfortunately, I'm not referring to the economy. Since about mid-July or so, I've been steadily declining into a bout of depression. Listless, not interested in things that normally interest me (especially exercise), no satisfaction doing things I normally enjoy, insomnia, insane levels of procrastination (worse than normal), and general paralysis. And the most frustrating part: not really being sure what caused it, or how to get out of it. Every time I would think about it, I would just get more paralyzed. Yes, I know that doesn't sound rational. It's not.

The symptoms creep up and creep in. Corners of my office start getting messy. I don't unpack my things after a work trip. My side of the bedroom starts looking like a donation room for a second-hand store. Dust settles in and books start piling up. Then the phone calls from toll-free numbers or "Unknown number". Those are companies calling to say, "Are you going to pay that bill?" Yes. When I get some money. Then I get some money and spend it on bullshit. And get more depressed.

So long into this process, long after everyone around me has noticed that I'm depressed, I wake up and take a shower (the first shower in three or four days), and think about how good that felt, to be clean. So I brush my teeth. (Maybe it's the first time in five days. Maybe only three. But usually at least five.) And that feels good. And I think, "Man, I haven't felt good for a long time. I think I've been depressed." And I get the dog leash and take the dog for a walk. The sun definitely feels good. And it feels good to walk outside. And the dog is excited and happy, which cheers me up a little bit.

I start paying attention to things that make me feel better. Exercise. Sunshine. Getting projects finished and out of my conscience. Cleaning up my side of the bedroom. Cleaning the office. So I start a to-do list. I start doing things and getting things done and feeling good.

But then the to-do list gets pretty long. And it starts looking overwhelming. So I stop doing some things. And feel guilty about not doing those things. Then I get more frustrated and feel more overwhelmed. And I stop doing other things and start playing more video games. Start watching more tv. The dog didn't get walked today. Again. She's anxious and every time I get my shoes on, she's hopping around thinking we're going for a walk. Except we don't walk, which makes me feel guilty. So I stop cleaning my side of the room, because who cares? And it's just a few shirts and a couple of pairs of pants. And I really don't want to look at this mail right now, so I'll just set it on my desk and look at it later. And I'll just put this book I was reading on the floor of my office. And I just got home from a trip and I'm really tired. There's no way I'm unpacking right now. I'll do it later. And the undone things start adding up, and I feel guilty about it. "Yes, I'll do that. I'll get that project done." Except I don't. And I feel guilty. So I play more video games and watch more tv and don't exercise. And I'm depressed again.