I don't think I have swine flu, but
I'm definitely sick. Safi was sick earlier
this week, and as anyone who's ever been
around a sick kid knows, little kids have
no idea how contagious they are, and they
also don't understand that trying to lick
Daddy when snot is running down your nose
and you just threw up half an hour ago is
not a funny game. Daddy is not trying to
make you laugh by jumping away and reacting
like he's being held at knifepoint by a
mugger. Daddy just doesn't want to get
sic--Don't lick me! Seriously! That just
made Safi laugh harder and more intent on
licking me.
So now I'm sick.
And that totally sucks because I have had a
lot of new readers recently, and every day
they've been coming back and looking around
a little more, reading some of my old
stuff, thinking, "this guy is an
idiot/insane/lame/awesome/whatever. I
wonder what
stupid/retarded/tactless/insensitvie/insightful/amazing
thing he'll say next" and they keep coming
back, hoping that more of my brain will
have spilled out onto this blog for them to
read. And I have let them down. Well, fear
not, new readers. I love you. I want you to
come back, read, lurk, sulk, think, laugh,
cry, feel sorry for yourselves, gloat over
yourselves and have a good time here. And
I'm willing to lie here, with a fever and
tell you that you're not alone.
You're not the only one who fights
depression. You're not the only one who is
fat, but you don't feel like doing anything
about it. You're not the only one who
wonders "What would my ten-year-old self
think of me?" You're not the only one who
feels like they're just faking their way
through life and hoping that no one else
catches on. You're not the only one who
wonders if other people have to deal with
this crap.
Until a couple of years ago, I prided
myself on being "different". I grew up
around honorable hard-working blue-collar
people. So I wanted to be a stock investor.
I bought a briefcase when I was eleven. I
thought of myself as "smart", so I read and
read and read all the time, hoping that the
answer to my problems would be in the next
book I read. I was convinced that if I just
understood the
world/psychology/science/whatever well
enough, that I would be able to predict
other people's actions, understand their
behavior, and be able to hack the system
into a world that would be kind and gentle
and understanding and I would be rich
because I was smart.
Recently I have faced the reality that I am
not so different. I'm just like everyone
else in 99% of everything. I have the same
problems, aspirations, dreams,
disappointments and frustrations that
everyone else has. My particular strain of
life is unique, yes, but I'm not some
amazing special better-than-everyone-else
guy. I spent a long time trying to separate
myself from everyone and everything around
me so that I wouldn't be hurt. So I could
look at everyone and say "Yes, yes. I know
you've got problems, but your problems are
just petty little stupid things. But I'll
listen to you so that you'll feel better."
I am like you. I'm not on some other plane
of existence. I'm here with you. I get
sick, I fuck up, I forget things, I mess
stuff up, I interrupt, I break things, I
overcompensate and I feel stupid most of
the time. But I have also learned that just
by talking about it, just by mentioning the
problems I'm facing, and how hard it is to
break old habits, just to think about it
and have a place to write about it helps.
It helps me. It gives me something to think
about it. Having this space gives me
something to focus on, it creates a little
thorn in my brain, a little piece of sand
that won't stop bothering me. That thorn
says, "you can't just float around hoping
your life will change, dude. You've been
doing that for 33 years. And you're still
thinking the same thoughts and doing the
same things."
So it's time to think new thoughts. Write
new dreams. To think, to listen, and to
remember that you and I won't be here long.
The light is already fading in the corners.
We don't have much time. So let's rock the
house while we've got the mic. Lay down
some serious tunes, drink some amazing
drinks, make each other laugh, make each
other cry and we'll smile, looking into
each other's eyes, knowing that tomorrow,
another band will be playing and we'll be
asleep, never to wake up again.