Coming to you from Fort Firth. We're just saddling up the horses and loading up the tack, getting ready for a quick trip to vegas to shoot some videos at the 2009 World Series of Poker Main Event. They're down to two players, and those two players sit down to finish out the tournament tomorrow night at 10 pm.

I took Supi for a walk this morning (she gets all neurotic if I miss more than one day in a row). While walking, I was thinking about how fucked up anxiety and depression is. Here's the deal: when I'm depressed, or feeling anxious, I start researching and finding ways out of my pain. And I start doing those things. And I start feeling better. Here's the fucked up part: a deeply-seated part of me says, "You don't deserve to feel better. You suck. So quit trying to fake it already." And the procrastination sets in, and the guilt. I feel guilty for trying to help myself. It's so frustrating. So self-defeating.

The only way out is to say, "I know this is going to hurt. I don't want to die like this. I have to change something." And the other important aspect is to not bite off too many things to change at once. That's another self-sabotaging method I've recognized in myself. I try to change a lot of things, or one drastic thing so that I feel like I'm "making progress", but it just ends up frustrating me instead, which means I then have an excuse to quit. "This is just too hard to do all of these things." And I stop. Gaaa!

So I just wake up and focus on the things I listed before: exercise, sunshine, walking the dog, crossing projects off the to-do list. That's it. And I don't try to workout 5 hours a day, and run 10 miles with Supi and do all the projects in a day while wearing my swimsuit outside in the sun. Because no one wants to see me in a swimsuit right now.